


the verge of self-destruction

by hyacynthia



Series: let masumi usui have good writing challenge [1]
Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: (implied) - Freeform, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Character Study, Gay Usui Masumi, Gen, Pining for found family, basically this is a new lens to look through masumis behavior through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29313267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyacynthia/pseuds/hyacynthia
Summary: Masumi Usui decided to go to Veludo Way on a whim. It’s not as if he had anything better to do.His home was empty and large - there were plenty of activities for him to do there, yet they never satisfied him. They always left him feeling empty. He didn’t let himself wonder why. Really, he didn’t even let himself think of it in terms like that. In his mind, he simplified it. He didn't like doing stuff at home, so he didn’t. It didn't matter what those feelings meant, it didn't matter what those feelings even were.So he was hanging around Veludo Way, as it met his incredibly high standards. Those standards being “not his house”.-Or: do you think Masumi's canon writing is narrative poison? Do you want a retelling where his "love" for Izumi isn't taken at face value and his desperately lonely childhood is addressed? Then do I have the fic for you!
Series: let masumi usui have good writing challenge [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194161
Comments: 10
Kudos: 23





	the verge of self-destruction

**Author's Note:**

> I was playing the springtime snooze event, and the writing of Masumi made me so angry (and the fact that all of that narrative time was spent on... that). So I got frustrated and wrote this, I guess.
> 
> All of the dialogue in the fic is from the canon prologue! It all came together, folks. Title is from SICK SICK SICK.

Masumi Usui decided to go to Veludo Way on a whim. It’s not as if he had anything better to do.

His home was empty and large - there were plenty of activities for him to do there, yet they never satisfied him. They always left him feeling empty. He didn’t let himself wonder why. Really, he didn’t even let himself think of it in terms like that. In his mind, he simplified it. He didn't like doing stuff at home, so he didn’t. It didn't matter what those feelings meant, it didn't matter what those feelings even were. 

So he was hanging around Veludo Way, as it met his incredibly high standards. Those standards being “not his house”.

He noticed a street act, and idly listened in. There was a boy, disgustingly energetic, impossibly happy. Masumi was certain that nobody could actually feel that way. He certainly never had. It was all for show. That was what everybody here was doing, he supposed - lying, creating unrealistic portraits for momentary entertainment. He didn’t even seem to be that good of an actor, not overall, which made Masumi all the more confused by how gripping his joy was. 

Thinking about it - this fake boy with his fake emotions - made him feel… he didn’t have the terms, to know what it was. He decided that it must be hatred. The lump in his stomach was one born out of spite. 

“I saw an ad for a troupe that was recruiting live-in actors, so I said what the hey and filled the application out!”

Live-in actors? The boy that he hated - well, he was still a _boy_ , just like him. They were probably around the same age. If the boy was able to apply for it, that means he could too, theoretically. 

He thought about it, which only elicited more emotions he couldn’t understand. He thought about living with other people. who would be there in the morning and in the afternoon and at night - who would be there for your worst moments and at your best, and at all the moments in between. People who didn’t just visit briefly to check another item off the list, people who didn’t just see you at school and assume that they knew you. 

Suddenly, he wanted to join this theater company. Badly. No, he didn’t want to - he _needed_ to join. He felt like he was coming down with a cold. Emotionally. Physically, he was fine, but - all of these sudden feelings, they took a toll on him, just as illness wreaks havoc on the body. He needed to be cured. 

He couldn't understand why he’s so drawn to it. Not really. All he could understand is that, out of the blue, he started to feel hopeful that he could be just as happy as that fake boy. That such a thing could be possible.

But why would he start feeling like this? What made him change? What made him feel so sick and yet feel so well? 

(He doesn’t let him think about the obvious answer, because he can’t. He just can’t. He hasn’t let him think about it before, and he isn’t going to ruin this feeling by thinking about it now.)

“Huh?! Oh. Oh, yes, of course! Here I come with my questions! I mean, here I go!”

There’s a girl.

And she’s very pretty. He knew that she was pretty because he understood, you see, this is what a pretty girl was supposed to look like. He's never found girls pretty before, but he knew that he would someday, and he knew that they’d look like this.

Maybe it’s today, he realized. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say he decided. This is what it was all about - he finally found a girl pretty. And so he wanted to be with her, no matter what. That’s romantic, he understands. 

So he's in love. 

His first thought is that ‘well, this doesn’t change much’. Either way, he wanted to join the theater company, right? So knowing the reason isn’t really that impactful. 

His second thought is that he’s very bad at being in love, and he needs to learn how to do better. He always needs to do that. 

Being in love changes everything. He isn’t completely sure of how, but he knew that it did, and he was sure he would figure it out eventually. 

He watched them for some time, as the three members continued the street act. He watched her, mainly, because he’s in love with her and she’s very pretty, so she’s nice to watch. She seemed so kind. Her smile - that was his favorite part about her, he decided. It was beautiful and sweet and comforting. It made him feel safe. 

He doesn’t think about that - about why it feels so world-altering, to feel safe. For once, it’s not just because of his own mental barriers. He just literally didn't have the time to think, because the woman he’s in love with looked at him and -

“You’ve been watching us all this time, right?”

His heart skipped a beat.

Because it’s not like nobody knew he existed. That was such a self-evident thing, it was weird to even state. He had parents. They cared for him, he knew, because they said so. He had admirers, even. He didn’t really like them much, because it’s not as if they really knew much about him. They just think that he’s handsome, and like him for that. It’s skin deep.

They don’t - they don’t notice _him_. They notice his hair, his fashion, but - they don’t notice that he’s been watching a street act, enthralled. They don’t actually take the time to look for stuff like that. But she did. She’s so thoughtful, of course he’s in love with her.

His thoughts came to a screeching halt, because wait - how was he any different from his admirers? He knows this is different, of course. But why? He’s profoundly uncomfortable, and then he notices that the love of his life is uncomfortable too, and he’s certain again that he’s very bad at being in love, leaving her waiting like that.

“Uh... er…”

He felt stupid, just stammering that out. But he didn’t know what else to say. Only that he had to say something. He couldn’t bear to meet her eye. 

He is in love, isn’t he? Could it be possible all of his admirers - which the impossible boy began talking about, since he decided to butt into the conversation - are in love like he is? No, because he’s never talked to them. But he has talked to her now. So it’s different. 

And if he continues to talk to her, then he’ll get to know her. And then he’ll get to keep feeling like this.

(Content. Safe. Home.)

So as soon as he got confirmation that she will, in fact, be a member of his daily life from then on - of course he joined. 

-

They ask which came first, the chicken or the egg. Scientists will tell you it’s the egg, and theologians will tell you it’s the chicken.

So which came first: Masumi's love for Izumi, or his love for the Mankai Company? Masumi will tell you it’s his love for Izumi, and that the latter doesn’t even exist. An omniscient narrator will tell you it’s his love for the Mankai Company, except not really, even: first came blind and unwavering affection for the idea of having a family and the concept of happiness to begin with, brought on by the promise the Mankai Company made for his future. Then came a forced projection of heterosexual love onto Izumi.

And then what? What comes next? Does it even matter, how it began? No matter which came first, we now have chickens and we now have eggs. Masumi now has a place to call home. Masumi now has a place that he loves. Masumi now has his ‘love’ for Izumi, which he forces himself to pretend he understands. 

The stage has been set. Now all that is left is to see the performance.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's interest in this, I might write more and make it a series? But I hope that it works as a stand-alone as well - that's what I was trying to get at with the ending, anyway. That this functions as a lens to review his behavior and rewrite it mentally into something more palatable. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated! Ty for reading!


End file.
